Wow, I rode Alanda's bike to the Community Unlimited meeting last night because I had left later than intended. Bicycles and I are not good friends, more specifically, bicycles and my KNEES are not good friends. Although riding the bike downhill on Park Street with my cape billowing behind me was incredible, today I am paying for it.
On the walk to town to use the library computers, not only did Alanda have to walk behind and give me a gentle nudge up the hill, but when we got to Town and I faced the steps to the sidewalk, I learned that I couldn't bend my knee to go up them. Tried, got one step, and learned that I couldn't put the pressure on the knee to actually move up the steps. Had to walk the long way around to where the sidewalk levels out, which would be ok except that in order to avoid even the single step in front of the library, I would have had to walk another half-block and then back. Which, of course, my knees were hurting too much to permit. So ended up sitting on the short wall and swinging my legs around, and let Alanda pull me up to standing. How embarassing, not to mention painful. At least she knows enough to not just jerk on my arm, or I would be in even worse shape.
This is so pathetic. I hurt too much to walk but am not to the point of needing a wheelchair. Which is a very good thing, as I would never be able to get in or out of my house, since the landlord removed the ramp at the back door when they tore down my garage. Thank Goddess that George is able to walk better since he had the stent put in, or I would have to sue the landlord to get another ramp. He had an awful time making that step, when he was having so much trouble with his legs and balance. So guess that I shouldn't complain. But dammit, my knees hurt and I am tired of living like this and the condescending looks from people that think I am less than worthy because I don't have a job. People would be a bit more polite if I had an "obvious" disability; Parkinson's, for example, or a cast or brace, or something that shows the whole frigging world that "Yes, I do have physical issues, I am not 'just being lazy' or 'thinking I am too good to do certain jobs'." There are days that I want to just pull my hair out by the roots, except it hurts too much to lift my arms that high. (Thought: is that why I am determined to grow my hair long in spite of the care hassles? Trying to get it long enough to pull out without having to lift my arms? Hmmm, could be....)
I realize that there are people in the world with much worse problems than my own, so don't start lecturing me on how I should count my blessings. Believe me, I do appreciate what I do have. Starting with friends like Dusty, who passed the Spoon theory on in her blog. Gives me something to make funny remarks with, such as the time I said I had not only used up all my spoons but had even worn out the spatula. If I couldn't be sarcastic or amusing or whatever you want to call it, I would be so whiney that Dr. Jack would break his parole... For the good of everyone around me, of course; ease their suffering of having to listen to me! (See, more funny ha-ha comments.)
Now that I have typed all this, I am looking forward to going home and sucking down a handful of pain pills. OK, really just one or two. With the arthritis I probably couldn't actually hold a real handful, so put down the phone, I am NOT suicidal. But I will have to put off the pain pills for a few more hours, because tonight is Ruthi's band festival at the high school and I really want to go; and while the pain pills work (sort of), they knock me out more than anything. I don't want to lay down for a little nap before the festival because of the pain pills; I know that it would be more like "Wake up it's MORNING" instead. So, the pills will wait until much later. Wish I could find a compromise, something that makes the pain go away without making me sleep for ten hours... Oh well. (Deep subject: turn it sideways and you have a tunnel. Sorry, had to throw that comment in for old times sake!)
Going to mosey over to My Yearbook and MySpace and see what is happening with the rest of the world. See you in Cyberworld!
We Close Tomorrow
2 months ago